49. Salt Bath

[00:00:08] This is The Ghost Podcast and on today's episode I would like to welcome our guest, turning this Christina. She is a 46 year old Californian. Is that how you say it? Californian. Yeah, that works. Native New Jersey and though.

[00:00:24] Native New Jersey and I always was, it wasn't sure if it's Californian. That sounds weird. I think it is. Please Christina, welcome to the show. So happy to have you. Thank you. So I know. Unfortunately, here I am.

[00:00:39] Yes, unfortunately, here all of us are and unfortunately this podcast exists. But we're going to talk about it and we're going to share stories and we're going to try to make the world a better place. So, tell me your dating story.

[00:00:53] So how did you start dating? Were you married? Were you divorced? Were you in a relationship? Like, how did you come to dating recently? Yeah, so I was married back in my 20s. So, you know, almost like 15 or more years ago.

[00:01:11] I kind of think I sort of was the girl who like always was in a relationship. I had the same boyfriend for all of high school. He was my first kiss in the seventh grade. We dated until first year of college.

[00:01:26] And then I kind of always, you know, I never really felt the need to be in a relationship. But I always just sort of like found met someone I clicked with. Like in college, wherever through friends.

[00:01:38] And I moved from the East Coast to the West Coast and I ended up marrying my next door neighbor. We had some things in common. We were both surfers.

[00:01:47] We come home after we're and like this is just how you met people back in must have been like 2003 or four. We got home from work at the same time. We both began getting ready to go surfing.

[00:01:58] We start surfing together. We became friends. We started hooking up dating like we clicked. And then I got divorced and I started dating again. And again, it was sort of like I'd meet people just out surfing or through friends at a barbeque.

[00:02:16] And I, you know, sort of find myself months later in like a two three year relationship. And then more recently, I think, you know, I sort of got tired of these two three year relationships that I think I sort of always knew weren't really going anywhere.

[00:02:35] And I decided to just be single for a little while and I ended up meeting someone a woman actually. I really had always mostly dated men. But I met a woman through at a batch of at party of all places in the wild friends of friend of friends.

[00:02:54] Someone I had known as an acquaintance for years. We had like similar friend groups. And we ended up getting together and dating for like four five months or so.

[00:03:10] And she was like, one of those hot out of the gates just always wanted to be with me and calling and so excited. And you know, like a typical lesbian relationship.

[00:03:24] But they were a little like there were some red flags where, you know, I sort of, I think in retrospect started noting a little noticing a little bit of like a void and behavior. But she always sort of like come back and she made it official.

[00:03:45] It was her sort of move. She started calling me her girlfriend and then vanished just. But like, I thought you're coming in your story. Stop returning my call. Wait, when was the lesson you saw her? Like what happened between the last interaction and when she just disappeared?

[00:04:08] Well, she had to go away for a few days and I ended up taking care of her very sick dog who did and passing. And we sort of went through that together. So I get that like some emotional stuff had happened.

[00:04:29] You know, I've lost a pet in a relationship. I certainly didn't ghost them. And so that had happened. And then if I remember and this was, this was about a year and change ago. It was fourth of July. I remember it very clearly.

[00:04:49] And she sort of did the slow ghost where there were a couple things she in but yet she was still going out to barbecue is seeing her friends.

[00:04:59] And she sort of invited me to a couple things and I'd show up as her girlfriend having dated her for months now. And she would just sort of ignore me as if we were in the sixth grade. It was bizarre. So I gave it two times about happening.

[00:05:22] And then I sort of reached out and was like, is there something? How are you doing? Is there something I should know? I gave her a little space. You know, no response, no response.

[00:05:33] Like never response. I took a couple, you know, I went to visit a friend in Santa Barbara because I was like, I have to get out of here. This is crazy.

[00:05:42] And I just never really, I never heard from her again. And we shared mutual friends and I was like, what? And everyone was like, I don't know, you have to talk to her. And they were like, I think this is her pattern. I don't know.

[00:06:01] And it really took a toll on me. I had my ex husband was great, but after him, I had a couple like relationships two or three since hand that we're like, not the best.

[00:06:20] And so then that happened with her and she goes to me. And I just up and was like, you know what? I am renting out my condo. I'm driving across the country, which I've never done before. I'm renting a beach house in my hometown.

[00:06:37] And I just, I got the hell out of dodge. And then I was just single. I just didn't, you know, I was in my hometown, which is very grounding for me at the beautiful place in Ireland.

[00:06:50] And I just didn't really want to deal with dating. I just wanted to see my friends and, you know, just have some peace basically. So then I got back to California in late November. So this was around, this was like August September.

[00:07:12] I went there for a few months and drove back across the country to California and then by February or so.

[00:07:19] I was ready to start dating again. So I signed up for hinge because around here I've heard, and I've tried a lot of them seem like the most, it always seems like the most promising here.

[00:07:31] And just more quality people who are interested in more than just like hookups or chatting or whatever. So I started dating this guy. And it was a quick, like, month and a half sort of thing. Ghosted again, just disappeared.

[00:07:55] But we were having this sort of like late night text and sort of joking back and forth. And then I just never heard from him again, and we were like in real life going on dates and seeing each other and talking on the phone and texting.

[00:08:13] Didn't hear from me again. So that sort of took its toll for a little while. And then he said, okay, just get back up.

[00:08:21] Got back on hinge met another guy who seemed even more promising and you know we started out slow and took me out on a couple of dates. I kind of stepped more, you know, I have a lot of hobbies.

[00:08:38] I have a lot of friends so I just really like very easy for me to like focus on myself, which is what they always tell you to do. So I was doing that and I wasn't even truly like, oh, you know, as just sort of seeing what happens.

[00:08:53] And he kept reaching out and he kept in touch. And I was like, it seems like a, you know, decent guy, 40, six supposedly had three daughters in their 20 or sorry, 47 three daughters in their 20.

[00:09:08] And he was married for 11 years. I'm like, okay, so we can commit and you kept kind of pursuing me. There were some red flags, but this guy legitimately we dated for like four months. I went on a two week vacation and he called me every single day.

[00:09:24] He started communicating me like what he was boyfriend material checking in. Did you guys have any conversation about where the relationship was going or what the way you were looking for?

[00:09:37] So so I do that is one of my sort of weaknesses. I would say in dating is like, I tend to just be a little bit squeamish about being direct about certain things sometimes.

[00:09:53] And it for all of his purposes he sort of came across as wanting a, you know, being relationship material. Which in rest respect, I'm like maybe even just sort of feeding me what he thought I wanted to hear.

[00:10:13] And you know, me being away and him calling every day and, and he, and then even when I was here, he would call me every night we would have these two hour conversations.

[00:10:26] We weren't touched every, we were every single day. So there was no, you know, I would sort of context clues sort of be like, why don't think he's dating anyone else really doesn't across that way.

[00:10:41] So it's just going with it and my plan was to give it a little time and it's like when I got back from this vacation.

[00:10:48] And we spend a little like a couple more times one on one, I'm going to have that talk. That was like that was like my plan. I was like, you know what, I do need to have this talk. I've been sort of working on, you know, over the past year or so being more direct with people telling them what my intentions are so it's, you know, so on and so forth.

[00:11:09] And I was standing on doing it and, and it just there were a couple red flags about him that I ignored like he never stayed over my house. He'd always leave super late.

[00:11:22] And you know, he's job, I mean, the air quotes was so demanding and he always went home and worked to air quotes again until 1230 at night and it was all so believable. And you know, I'm a pretty intuitive person and I will say our second date.

[00:11:46] I was sort of not into him. I called my girlfriend on my way home and I was like, something doesn't smell right. But he kept her suit. I like kind of backed off and cat pursuing and then I was like, yeah, okay, he's really trying to date me.

[00:12:04] So I listened to this other podcast and they talk about how I'm man will never do that. Like a woman can always be kind of like on the 50 like not sure. Like I'm sure from attracted to them in a manual number.

[00:12:17] If he's not attracted, he's not into it. It's not happening. Yeah, I guess so. You know, yeah because all of you know, because all start to be like, well, a little bit of the only second day give him another shot at just dinner, who cares like

[00:12:36] Or you know, you never know attraction bill or see, you know, sniff out his character a little more so Anyway, he ended up there were a couple funny things where like

[00:12:51] He became a little bit hard to pin down for like, you know, hey, what are you doing this weekend? I have no plans as of yet he would tell me. Like, okay, so let's make a plan.

[00:13:02] Like, do you want to go to this barbecue with me on Saturday and in sort of a veid and then he'd always my friend started it became an inside joke because on come Saturday, he'd always told me that he felt really run down from work

[00:13:15] And he was taking a salt bath. He was always in a salt bath. That's right. That is nick name salt bath. Oh, just be like another salt bath. It's funny.

[00:13:31] But yeah, he'd keep attacking call me that night Saturday night and he'd just be like, yeah, to recharge my honor, my battery.

[00:13:38] He ended up kind of like, you know, who would be suspect of a single dad with a one of his youngest daughter who was 21 live with him. And apparently I had like social anxiety.

[00:13:50] He's just respect of that. You know, it's like, there's an upstanding single father like, how naive my, but so he ended up also just fully ghosting.

[00:14:02] He, he reappeared strangely one day. It was the most bizarre thing. He was like, I'm going out fishing trip for two days and I just, I don't know, I was not expecting to hear from this guy again.

[00:14:15] And I was already trying to get over it. And he was just like, I'm going out of fishing trip for two days, you know, this work thing. I just wanted to check in before I'm out of pocket.

[00:14:25] Yeah, he wanted to check in to see if you were still an option. And then I just never heard from him again. I maybe sent one or two messages. Go full go. And this is we were having sex regularly regularly.

[00:14:43] I don't know how graphic I can be but unprotected because we were at that point. And I thought we were exclusive. So we did finally have that talk. I did finally sort of spring the, I don't know what your intentions are.

[00:14:58] I really like you and this was book right before he goes to. I really like you and, you know, I want to, you know, I'm in no rush. Like, I'm not necessarily a binmarine. I'm not looking at children like, but I want to see where this can go.

[00:15:15] I, you know, I'm in it and he was like Christina. I'm already there. That was his answer. And this all that. And I was like, come, yeah, what I'm that was I'm there in the salt bath.

[00:15:31] And I had I'm just going to add that to end of every sentence he says it is all that. I remember my friends was in this they're going to die laughing. It just became this thing.

[00:15:42] But I just, yeah, so and then very quickly he goes to right after that.

[00:15:47] Yeah, that's all right. I hear that all the time. I hear that in this podcast where everything seems fine, but you've never discussed it. And then as soon as it gets brought up they disappear.

[00:16:00] And let's, let's talk about that for a minute because you mentioned as something you always been a little uncomfortable talking about I used to be that way too.

[00:16:07] I actually just today was listening to a podcast that a friend of mine recommended called relationship design and not sure if you're familiar with this concept. No, but I'm interested.

[00:16:17] So for the past year, I've been practicing what I would now define this relationship design though I didn't really know that term until recently more like relationship anarchy. I'm not sure if you've heard that before. No, but that sounds like my life recently.

[00:16:34] Yeah, so basically what it means is and I'm going to paraphrase I can reference the podcast so really talk about this, but

[00:16:43] is that you can have lots of different types of relationships and relationship anarchy specifically is non hierarchical. So that means I just never a primary partner and everybody like you shouldn't prioritize, you know, romantic partner or friendship and

[00:16:59] not everybody really fully agrees with that, but the concept of relationship design is that you can design each relationship you have to be whatever fits like they talk about like a venn diagram of overlapping interests.

[00:17:11] Like the woman on the podcast was like, I have friends where we only hike. We don't have any other interests. We don't have anything else in common. We don't talk about anything else and we go to a hike and we have lunch and we come back and then we don't talk again till the next hike and then you know what I kind of coming back to is like when someone says to me what are you looking for.

[00:17:30] I've always been really uncomfortable with that question because to me I'm like I'm looking for everything. I'm not looking for just one thing. I'm looking for friends. I'm looking for dates to go on. I'm looking for casual partners. I'm looking for a serious partner. Like I'm looking for all of these things. I like I don't want to limit myself to one thing. I want it all and I don't know what that is until I've met you, and I know what we can offer each other.

[00:17:55] Yes, so I talk about this a lot with my friends because I have friends who are more like they like to use the term they date intentionally and they are looking for something specific. They want to have a kid and you know they have a certain timeline that they want to do it on and they know what they'll you know.

[00:18:17] And I've always and they suggest to me like well maybe you should stop with this sort of like well I don't really know what I'm looking for until I find it or like.

[00:18:26] I don't really know what I'm going to be looking for with that person until I find it because I'm not necessarily you know I'm financially independent. I have plenty of friends. I have interest. I don't I don't exactly need a partner.

[00:18:43] But like you know and for a while I was like and it's like I'll be fine without one like I'm not I'm never going to be like lonely or too lonely.

[00:18:55] But you know it's like but yeah, I've been nice to have like someone in my life for my life, but it's like I'm never going to know it. I just want to meet someone who.

[00:19:09] I sort of I don't know what I'm saying. I started date with that approach where I'm like let's see who I meet and what that can evolve into.

[00:19:18] Right and it and it is kind of people who do know that they want, especially women who want to have kids. I already have kids. I'm done with that.

[00:19:26] I do not want or need that and I feel really fortunate because I do have a lot of single female friends who really want that and are in their late 40, late 30s or 40s haven't found that and I you know.

[00:19:36] There's a lot of other podcasts I listened to about why women freezer eggs that was really an incredible listen for me to listen to a lot of the economic factors that come into play when dating but.

[00:19:47] Basically what as I've kind of explored these concepts of relationship design and and I date people that are in the poly community and I have like these comment people and I'm not necessarily polygamous myself but I don't prom dating people who are poly and you have these comments were kind of come in your life and come in and out and you kind of stay connected with them.

[00:20:04] It's really open me up to this whole group of people that I wouldn't have probably been open to otherwise but you know being really comfortable with those concepts has personally helped me have that conversation a lot sooner because.

[00:20:17] I'm just the more you talk about it and then more you can kind of say and it is I found it's really interesting because they talk with this escalator relationship concept in the podcast that.

[00:20:27] The traditional unspoken relationship that everyone's looking for is this escalator you ride so you meet you date you go exclusive women together you get married and then you stay with that person forever forever forever forever and that's like the unspoken agreement and when you start to talk about like outside of that even like I have a lot of poly.

[00:20:46] I have a lot of poly friends and they're really confused by this too because they like will just be poly or just be this and I'm like but you don't have to be anyone thing you can everybody, every relationship is unique.

[00:20:56] Every person you meet can offer you something different and you don't know what that is until you go through the process of getting to know them and getting to know each other so.

[00:21:03] Just you know saying how that was like kind of an uncomfortable thing for me I think I was in for you I think I was in a lot of the same spot because I just didn't know what to answer but I think even saying that upfront you know I'm open to a lot of things.

[00:21:18] Is it is a good place to start and I usually just say I don't believe in anyone way to have relationships and I'm open to seeing what happens.

[00:21:25] But it is it isn't a lot of people can't they don't got it they just they haven't their head this like escalator and especially a lot of men because I didn't men and women also is kind of like they're kind of confused by it and don't you know it's either like you just want something casual you want something serious and there's nothing in between.

[00:21:41] Totally and like I will say so on the other side of that.

[00:21:46] You know sometimes there's a good chance that I will meet someone where at some point I can see them like really becoming like a partner like a long term partner you know where sort of like no I don't need the engagement ring I don't need the.

[00:22:06] Steps I don't need but like you know I will come across people and I definitely happen the last few times.

[00:22:14] Where I was like oh I can this person is like a lifestyle fit this person is like a personality fit this person is like I can see really sharing so I don't really lack like I don't lack that desire to share my life with someone.

[00:22:32] But I'm also open minded to where it's like I don't go into every day or every like dating scenario be a like I know what I want want to get married.

[00:22:42] I want to like you know have 2.5 children I want to buy picket fence I want you know it's like.

[00:22:48] I could meet someone who becomes a life partner like maybe we have to separate house and I don't know you know like you know or or maybe we do merge houses or whatever but.

[00:23:01] So anyway I was thrown I think just like with every ghost I've been getting more the wrong just off. Kilt just takes it's emotional told me off filter like I start blaming myself I start wondering what I did wrong.

[00:23:19] I start like was it that conversation was it because I said that is because I'm too this is it because I like which is totally ridiculous.

[00:23:29] And then I ended up and that I was like convinced this guy was like a criminal and monitoring money and disappeared or like he was really married.

[00:23:41] And my you know when I was like why doesn't he have any social media and I don't tend to stop people when I start dating them. But I started it to after he goes to me and I'm like his kids are in their 20s he said.

[00:23:55] And they're all over social media he says yet there no where to be found online.

[00:24:00] And I'm like what and then I said I started I went a little fatty and I started doing a little digging and I found out that he fully lied about his age she's in a 50s not 47. And then I joined have you heard of these are we.

[00:24:18] Yeah, yeah, I'm not I joined look sometimes any of them but people talked about that on the podcast did you was he in it.

[00:24:27] He wasn't in it but I threw him in there and I got to responses one girl was like I went out with him once five years ago he used all the same photos as this.

[00:24:37] And she was like all I had to offer was a hookup and then another girl and this was right after he goes to me and was like, you know he was so busy and always in the salt bath.

[00:24:47] And this one girl was like he wanted to meet up this week. She said I met up with him once she's like he looked she goes he was gross she goes he tried to sleep with me on the second I wouldn't sleep with him.

[00:25:02] He bolted and he looked. And he was like. But because it's a lot of things that are not that much of a problem and it's not that much of a problem but I think I'm the only one I can see how it's going to be. Which is like.

[00:25:22] Anyway, it's just I guess my point is like just be honest with me just be like this is not working it's one of like I'm not looking you know I want to do the round or not. I don't know. Well, this is you aren't there.

[00:25:36] everything you just said about this guy, he clearly thinks he can't date a woman or get a woman unless he lies about his age, unless he says things that aren't like he makes

[00:25:48] up stuff and says things that aren't true and bellicious things with his life. Like this guy has some problems, right? He's got some insecurity, he's got maybe bigger issues and I think,

[00:25:59] you know, I think, and I talk about this in the podcast a lot but the biggest lesson learned and I try to share this with everybody about ghosting is that it's never anything you did.

[00:26:09] I mean, maybe sometimes but it's really horrible but you know, generally it's not something you did and even it wasn't something you did, a, a, someone would tell you, right? They wouldn't just disappear. Like just they act of just disappearing itself is nothing you can control or do

[00:26:28] and you can eventually get to the point where you just feel sorry for these people but they don't have the capacity, they don't have the depth, they don't have this self-awareness, empathy to act in the

[00:26:43] other way. And it's sad and I was, I was just on another podcast, someone else's podcast and I was telling the story about how I had a date with someone and it was an in-person day and this person

[00:26:57] had pursued me so we met and field and then he asked me out or wanted to text and then was texting me and asked me out to meet and we were texting was just going like a Saturday so he's

[00:27:06] texting me like Friday, he's talking me Saturday during the day and as I'm getting ready to leave for this date I had sent a message to him leaving which I usually do and normally I don't leave my

[00:27:16] house until I've confirmed but because I'd been texting this person like you know the David not continuously but a little bit here and there. I really think about it and I was like live

[00:27:26] I live an hour away from where we were meeting so I'm like I'm almost there and I'm like he never wrote me back and so then I'm like I kind of got that feeling. I was like okay something's

[00:27:35] I've got a gut feeling about this and then as I'm like almost there I was like hey I'm parking either a few minutes never response and and we have the same type of phone with

[00:27:45] androids so I can see he's reading my messages. I get to the restaurant, he reservation was in his name they found the reservation I sit down and I'm like are you still coming? No response.

[00:27:56] So this guy totally stood me out never showed up never heard from him again and I was just like shame on you. A father to make a reservation? Mm-hmm and I was my only thought was like

[00:28:08] ah what a mess what kind of person is so sad and messed up with they do that like I didn't feel better than myself at all. I was just at this when I was kind of like brought in myself for my

[00:28:18] reaction moment I was like this person has some serious problems to treat somebody else that way when he knew that I was driving an hour in and didn't even have the courage to say me things in me.

[00:28:32] That's terrible. Yes, new you're driving an hour in made a reservation. I mean that's terrible. I can safely say I've never done that and it's like what the ghosting thing it's sort of like

[00:28:44] you know to be like a little self reflective it's like yes I have been guilty of like a go on one day not interested they keep kind of pursuing pursuing and I don't I oftentimes don't come out and say like

[00:28:58] look I'm just not into you. Like that's been a little bit dating that's dating you don't owe them anything if you've gone on one day. I still try to say something but you don't have to like

[00:29:07] that's not a ghost in my opinion. I don't think one day does a ghost. I think consistently having sex which someone for four months is a ghost. Oh yeah yeah. Now I will let me put a caveat in there

[00:29:19] because I have had a couple people come on the podcast who have had really really intense online relationships and in case where they're talking to someone every single day all day long for months

[00:29:30] and months ago. We never meet or they've met once and then they get ghosted. I still I do consider that a ghost because the level of engagement but like if you've just gone on one day with someone

[00:29:39] minimal interaction you don't ever talk to them again. I don't get to the ghost because there's no there's no relationship there's no connection there. Yeah even if it's not yeah I don't mean to

[00:29:48] I don't sex design to find a relationship. So yeah even if it's an online relationship for months and months and months it's still an emotional connection you've developed. You know or like some

[00:29:57] kind of connection you develop that that is a ghost and so then most recently has just happened I matched with this guy and I did not get any of my Spidey senses like I didn't get any bad

[00:30:16] feelings. I was like no this guy is like he lived nearby we had a ton in common we live in San Francisco at the same time like in like the late 90s and like we just had so many things in common and we

[00:30:34] worked in the same industry like we just it just it was like a total lifestyle personality everything that he was very eager up front that's what I'm noticing about men in particular they are so

[00:30:49] hot out of the gates they are like out of the gates like they will pursue the hell out of you and then I don't know what happens but he was like so eager just in touch trying to meet up

[00:31:06] sooner than the date we had planned I was like hold your horses let's wait for the date we went on the date you immediately like after the date like wanted like followed up like it's so

[00:31:16] rare you meet someone but still not seeing calm in these days like it's all that flags see all of that would be a huge red flag to me it shouldn't have been but like he wasn't wrong and like I wouldn't

[00:31:31] say that the physical chemistry was there so right away I think that's more a red flag to me if it's like we're so like you know like two people are so immediately I don't know but yeah

[00:31:45] it shouldn't have been a red flag and I sort of was like let's combine me over for dinner like after then like right after our first date and I was like let's wait he said I get it

[00:31:57] it's too early and I was like let's wait until our second or third date and after that we got I'll have I'll come and have dinner at your house and we went on our second date which was super fun

[00:32:07] um we went on our third date and the day after our second date actually um and the third date that's when I was like okay letting my guard down I'm like okay I'm gonna have a lot of fun on this date

[00:32:24] like you know like as if I'm with one of my friends I'm like I've gotten to know this guy a little bit at like I feel comfortable and we had a great time and then you just kind of

[00:32:36] disappeared like a couple of texts here and there and then all of a sudden you know and a couple of texts that were like from him like very long about something we were talking about

[00:32:48] that's like you know right someone that long attacked and do you mind did you guys sleep together on that date? No no you didn't okay I would not be surprised if you hadn't then he just

[00:32:59] appeared because I have that out of him. No we did not have he's in fact I kissed him and then we just left it at that he had driven me in my people up to his car at the restaurant driven me and my car

[00:33:11] all the way back to my house which is a good 20 minute drive we hung out at my house I showed him a morale with his music we talked um and then he went home and then I got them you know thanks for a

[00:33:23] really nice night we texted a little bit next day he texted me a really long text about this movie TV show stuff we were talking about and um and then I kind of disappeared and I was like

[00:33:37] so about that making dinner and it was just like this weeks out for me I have a house gas and then I have to go you know I have to go play a show and wherever and then he disappeared and I'm like

[00:33:54] I it's just it baffles my mind like just say you're not interested or why come out so why come on so hot and then yeah I think I mean I think maybe something for you to start thinking about this

[00:34:10] was something I I had almost it seems to experience as you I had I had someone and I think I talked about the someone the episode is like a week over a year ago that um that pursued me really

[00:34:19] heavily we had a date Saturday we were going to date Friday and then Saturday and then he goes to me and it was like our already like I was telling my mom about you you know and mad so now to me

[00:34:30] that is such a huge red flag and like that that sense of really really quick false intimacy like if that happens to me that's such a turn-off now because you don't know me like there's nothing

[00:34:41] for you to to base that off of until we spent like at least like three months getting to know each other and so for me it's just been this long process and been single for three years of having

[00:34:53] experience like that and being like okay now I know next time that's a red flag and then you know something else like will happen like like the person who stood me up a bunch of only ever been stood

[00:35:03] up like that twice that was the first time I should have known better um and after that time that's when I always check um and I didn't check that that time because it's the guy messaging me but you know

[00:35:13] it's kind of like it's like there's no guidebook or rulebook it's like you have to learn it on your own throughout a trial and error and you go through a lot of like really traumatizing things sometimes

[00:35:23] but eventually you get to that point where you have a better picker that's kind of like what I call it where I feel like I generally don't get ghost anymore I'm not going to say never because I still do

[00:35:33] but just to have like kind of these things in your head to say like some of these are red flags or I have a feeling like because of you know what's happened before that this probably will be a ghost and

[00:35:44] you know the more you can be sort of in touch with that and trust your instinct you know instinct is huge I think the last you can you know hobbies interactions with these people who might have that

[00:35:54] potential those thing and talking about it up front does not matter I've learned that you yeah I've had people come on and say they've had these conversations with people like that you do anything please just don't ghost me they get ghosts it anyways they've had people

[00:36:05] I've heard for people say I would never go stew and then they ghost and even telling people like even what I was just talking about with relationships design because if I tell someone this is

[00:36:16] applies a really mental need you know I don't really have any set way to have relationships and open everything I'm open to casual I'm open to this and then we have a casual relationship they will

[00:36:25] still ghost me because they seem to think I want more even though I've said I don't and it's just I don't know what the answer is other than you can try to find to in some of these instincts

[00:36:37] and try to kind of have this better picker to avoid some of these things that can happen on the road yeah I got this last one I guess I should have seen that coming on hot as a red flag

[00:36:57] it's hard to know I mean it feels like flattering that someone's that into you but it's like they can't be that into you because they don't know you yet yeah and I guess I was sort of not even seeing it

[00:37:10] as like he's super in a me I was like oh we obviously connect on like so many different things that he likes talking that we you know and like I you know I enjoyed talking to him too so we would

[00:37:21] text a lot you know not a lot of it but like every day you know it would be like a bit wouldn't it was just a very non I you know I don't really do well with the like hi I was your day going

[00:37:34] you know we just connected on so many things that it wasn't even like it was just effortless and he didn't do you know he wasn't like I'd have had guys and it's a turn off

[00:37:46] even like last night and like three nights ago that are like so like oh my god you're so amazing and like there's into me that way then I'm just like you don't know me yeah with one day

[00:37:59] this was a little different and it was in a still bus to the art and I didn't get a weird feeling but yeah I guess that should have been a red flag I just I don't know how I mean and sometimes

[00:38:12] people are just really shitty and you had no idea and it still happens or maybe he had you know something else maybe an ex pop back up random right or maybe you

[00:38:24] know like you never know what's going on but like I would prefer to know and not and I need to work on not blaming myself I was like is it because I said this one thing is it because I you

[00:38:36] and I had a friend I would talk to a friend about it and she's like she has a friend who also kept getting ghosted for a while and she was like the last one she's like she was blaming

[00:38:47] it on the dress she wore to the date how ridiculous that yeah yeah and even if there was something you did somebody should be able to tell you that or at least if they don't want to tell

[00:39:00] you what happened just ended in a regular way or in a community could have way rather than just disappearing so that's how you know it's not anything you did because it's it's the way in which

[00:39:09] they choose to exit and leave the relationship I just disappearing versus saying something like hey nice to meet you but I don't feel we have a connection even if it was the dress right but like

[00:39:20] the fact that they can't have that level of maturity is is nothing you can control or manage yeah yeah so I think what I'm trying to learn and so you know here I am a year later

[00:39:35] getting ready to drive across the country again I'm just going to be single for a while I'm going to be in my you know be child on this little island and just sort of like be a little bit

[00:39:48] of a lifetime maybe like eat play love whatever and yeah I just think I'm learning like what those red flags might be and like not to blame myself not to take him personally and like

[00:40:03] a bit of a better picker I got and I mean the truth is it makes us sox right now too I mean I think like we're just in this place where swipe culture was like really exciting and new and

[00:40:21] opened up so many options and opportunities when it came out but people are so sick of it everyone is disgruntled like it's not benefiting anybody except maybe like the fuck boys like no one will say happy with the current dating situation like people are just leaving the

[00:40:36] apps and masks that people laughter like you know a lot of just low quality or bad intentions and so the people who stick with them are just having these bad experiences and I think it's

[00:40:48] like almost as critical masks where people are just like they're done but but the apps create this like a dicting game of vacation behavior so I came to like get still on them so swiping and

[00:40:58] then they just get more and more like just heart and myself included and but for me I'm like how else do I meet people like I work from home um I and like super busy I don't live I live you know

[00:41:10] in the Chicago area but I don't live in Chicago I don't really drink because I'm not going to go laying out at a bar so it's like what is the alternative it doesn't matter if you drink because

[00:41:21] I will tell you people at bars no longer talk to each other yeah people don't talk to each other like it used to be but you know you need to be like you could just go somewhere and it could

[00:41:32] just be a brewery or wherever and people would talk to each other and you meet people or anywhere people don't so this is really funny because I feel in my friend and I

[00:41:45] were literally just talking about this because I'm like I don't know how to interact with people in the while because she sent me a text and she was like I was at the gym and this really cute guy smiled

[00:41:55] and he touched and she was like I was so overwhelmed and he didn't know what to do. So I just didn't react and I was like I had the same thing happened like I was at the airport

[00:42:02] and this guy came up to me and started talking about my luggage which it's funny because this podcast doesn't do the advertised the luggage or the conversation piece and he also couldn't really cute but I was like I still like froze I didn't know that's it too

[00:42:15] that's someone to tell me yeah I know my a bunch of you know a couple of my girlfriends and I met up at the park the other it just neat neat little like they have like all these

[00:42:27] records and stuff anyway and she got their first and she seems so like I don't know if I'm stores she's like where are you I'm like we're in our Uber and she's like I guess I'll just

[00:42:41] go into this weird hipster bar by myself and I was like yeah what like how yeah you will and we're doing and I'm sitting and waiting for your friends and after where she's like

[00:42:55] that was crazy she's like I was like what do I have I not talked to people before can I know yeah it's been a part of it and been it by myself yes and I don't leave the apps ruined

[00:43:07] dating they ruin like real life experiences like now like like it's weird because if you go to date from an app it's like you have all this information about the person you know oh they are

[00:43:17] they know what you think look like you know what their job is you know how tall they are and it's like I feel like freaked out if I want to have that data someone tries to talk to me

[00:43:26] I like literally freezing I'm such an idiot I don't know what to do well there's that and then it's sort of like I noticed and you know women are different and I and I haven't been on an app specifically for women in like a year but like

[00:43:47] man I'm noticing like I don't really want to date younger but the younger younger younger guys are very respectful or a little bit more respectful that's kind of like almost only dating younger

[00:44:00] I mean like seriously guys in their 30 these are very sweet I just they're like I can't I like older guy I right now at least I like older guys and like these guys in their 50s I swear they're

[00:44:13] like wild and I don't know who they think they are they think they're these players and like they're just like I don't know roaming the earth it's like it's like this weird mismatch where they have this technology but they don't really know how to use it

[00:44:29] and so it like inflates the ego if it's or any like putting the song in a stick so yes I've seen I have a hard time dating then my age or older even though I prefer to date someone

[00:44:40] my age so I almost just I don't explicitly just date younger guys because it's it's just different it's like much nicer yeah they're much nicer I mean my friend just started she just you last night like troll was trolling bumble because she was very suspicious of her boyfriend

[00:45:00] of a year found a bumble like he just it's like you if you were gonna be a cheater back in the day I don't know I might feel like man would meet someone at work or like you know like it would

[00:45:15] be a circumstances they're kind of a substantial thing now they just have at their fingertips they can sit down and I'm be like I feel like cheating well they always think there's a better option

[00:45:27] and I'm not just man that's what the apps have done is they have been the next like I could get hotter than this I could get more successful than this I could get nicer than this like because

[00:45:38] I found this so the next best version must be out there if I just go back on the apps but it's not out there I mean it really has like kind of spread this discontent with the status quo and people

[00:45:48] aren't working through conflict and issues because they're just dropping it but I mean if you think about all the people in the world that you are actually truly compatible with in a relate from

[00:45:57] a romantic relationship then or so small like I if I'd be about all the people I know and something you do find that connection is genuine it's just really like sad that people aren't recognizing

[00:46:07] that and working on that they're just like funny and out thing yeah so yeah I guess I don't know we'll see what happened we're just fucked I'm just fucked I'm not gonna come to we're fucked

[00:46:24] and we just need to make the best of it yeah I guess so yeah I was getting really frustrated these last couple of weeks like incredibly frustrated and I don't know where I'm at now

[00:46:41] yeah well I wish you that's the what kind of journey and thank you I'll give you a post yeah yeah I actually had someone who came on this podcast it was the woman who did the if anybody

[00:46:56] is listening to this episode um the episode about the pilot she was dating yeah I like you know yeah she actually sent me a really nice message you today she said she met a man in real

[00:47:07] they're having incredible relationship it's been really great they've met each other's kids and you know really happy ending for her and she ended up just meeting someone through I don't remember

[00:47:15] how they met through friends or something so you know what can happen and I hope it happens to all of us and Christina I hope it happens to you I hope it happens to me and I want to thank you

[00:47:24] for coming on the podcast and sharing your journey thank you for having me and um yeah I'm back at yeah hope I haven't read you and listeners you can find us online at the goespodcast.com if

[00:47:37] you want to send me a message you can send me a message at via email at the goes podcast stories at gmail.com you can find me on Instagram at the goes podcast stories and you can also find me on

[00:47:47] TikTok at the goespodcast as always thank you for listening