52. Root Causes

[00:00:08] This is The Ghost Podcast and I'm your host Rosemary and today I'm here with Mandy who is from the Southern part of the United States. Welcome to the show Mandy. Thank you. I'm excited to be here today. So Mandy, would you like to introduce yourself to our listeners?

[00:00:22] Sure. I'm Mandy and I get a lot of comfort from this podcast so as a fan I said one day, you know after my recent ghosting episode, I need to call in and share that and see if it helps other people as much as it helps me.

[00:00:41] So that's why I'm here. Thank you for being a fan of the podcast. I do hope it helps you and other people who listen to it. So how do you want to start telling your story? Do you want to go a little bit of background about yourself? Yeah.

[00:00:55] I'm going to dive right in with the background and to begin with, I think that my background is the reason that I'm in this predicament. I think it's one of the, to quote, comma Harris root causes of my situation.

[00:01:09] Anyway, long story short, my upbringing is such that my parents, they split up when I was 12. My dad left my mom after 24 years of marriage. I was born late in life to my mom. She didn't think she could have kids so at age 42,

[00:01:25] she had me, which that's amazing and itself. But anyway, long story short, he left her. My background is two cultures. I speak two different languages and my dad's from Europe, my mom's from South America. So my dad decided to leave my mom.

[00:01:44] I always grew up thinking it was a perfect marriage, not perfect, but as perfect that goes. You know, never heard any fighting. There's a sister I have, older sister and me. And we were always close. We were doing family stuff all the time.

[00:01:57] It was kind of a surprise. And the way I learned about her is I'd come back from a Christmas trip to South America to visit my family with my mother. My dad didn't go. He always went. He didn't go this time. Get back home.

[00:02:10] School was starting as January and cold. And I'm sitting there. We had just moved into this new house, which I didn't want to really move to. My dad and mom still had boxes all over the place. And I'm sitting there in my new bedroom.

[00:02:23] And I hear them arguing. And so I get a cup, just like the movies. And I put it to the wall. You know, I was a science freak. So I knew that sound how it would amplify. And I listened. And my dad was telling my mom,

[00:02:36] I need to leave. I don't love you anymore. And there's someone else. That's what he said. And I heard those words and my heart leapt into my throat. Just talking about it. Still is real. It's so weird. I was at stays with you.

[00:02:50] So anyway, that was the day I found out. I found out like that. And sure enough within three months, he was out of the house. And the reason was he wanted to go back to Europe and remarry his high school sweetheart

[00:03:01] who now had come into a lot of money. And she was widowed. And he reconnected with her. It's a long story. I found all this out later when she died. And I was cleaning out his stuff. And where he lived, you know,

[00:03:15] and I saw the letters that she wrote him, asking for him to leave us because we were getting older. I was 12 to her that was old enough, I guess, to leave us and we would be fine. So my dad did. And he never liked the states.

[00:03:28] He liked Europe. He's one of those Europeans. I don't know if you've dealt with some people like that. They never get used to the culture here. And to me, I feel like saying, why are you here? Of course, I was just a kid back then.

[00:03:39] But anyway, so they went on their life. My mom was left shattered. And this is why I say it relates to all this is my mom was an old school Latin American Catholic wife, very religious. And she was of the impression that the dad

[00:03:55] was the patriarch of the family. You worked, you did everything he said. And without question, that's how it was at our house. She would give him her paycheck every month. And he would do with it as he saw fit. And then he ended up leaving her anyway.

[00:04:10] I mean, it's just so cruel. So all of this to say, this is the reason that I became who I was. When I saw that, I said to myself, I am never going to give a man that I'm going to be self-sufficient.

[00:04:27] I'm going to do whatever possible so that the men I have in my life are by choice, not necessity or survival even. And that's what I did. I grew up. And my parents were very, my dad especially was a very strict parent.

[00:04:42] And he pushed us to do well in school. And I had that in me too. And now when I saw this, it reinforced that. So I went to school. I graduated from college. I got my first job.

[00:04:54] I worked my butt off to get my first house by myself. This is 1998. This is the time. My first house in 1998. And everybody around me told me, why don't you wait, man, the wait for the man? Why are you buying it by yourself?

[00:05:09] You need to have a man. And I was like, well, guess what? He can move in with me when he and I meet. And so I went ahead and bought my house against everybody. This is back in the day.

[00:05:18] I don't know if it's still like that, but that's what it was like. And I was the happiest person. I love my house. It was mine. It was like a milestone. I had this list of things that I wanted to do. That was one of them.

[00:05:29] And I decorated it and everything. Anyway, I guess I should go back a little because I missed this spot. That happened after two divorces. Okay? In between the time that my dad left and I got my job, my first job, I left this part out.

[00:05:45] And that was, I got married to the high school sweetheart. I was dating back to why. Why did I do that? Well, my mom, back to that. I was in the house.

[00:05:55] And the only way that I felt I could make her happy was to leave by getting married. This is Latin America. This is religious and I was not going to break my mom's heart.

[00:06:07] And I had that much respect for her after seeing her go through what happened in the divorce that I would do the way she wanted me to do. I wanted to get out and start my life, right? I was very independent. So I got married.

[00:06:19] I just got married to this guy who I was dating in college for two years. And I waited till he asked me and we got married. It wasn't, I didn't love him really. That was kind of sad because I remember walking down the church, beautiful church here.

[00:06:34] And it's one of these historical churches. It's a landmark. And I'm dressed up and everybody's there. And I'm walking down literally thinking, what the crap am I doing? Why am I doing this? And I went through with it because my family and friends, I did it for them.

[00:06:50] Is that cruel? That's so horrible. Anyway, so that was a mistake. Of course, five years later, that's how long it lasted. He ended up getting a promotion. It wasn't right with him. He was emotionally abusive as the best way I can describe it.

[00:07:06] Everything he said was right and what I said was wrong. He was one of those two people. One of those people that would say, if there's two ways to get from point A to point B, my way is wrong just because his way is the more efficient way.

[00:07:21] And so that's kind of like, it makes you feel worthless after a while. You hear that so long and I couldn't live like that. And we had everything. I remember laying in my bed once and I lived in a beautiful high rise.

[00:07:35] And the lights, you know, that the planes avoid in the tall buildings. That was going on that night. Remember sitting there looking at that and going, I have everything. And I'm so miserable. I got to do something about this.

[00:07:46] I was 25, you know, should have been a happy time. And I wasn't. I said, this isn't what I want. And so what ended up happening, we were friends. We never fought or anything. It wasn't like that. But I knew there was more for me.

[00:07:59] And I didn't like the way I felt with him. So long story short, he got a promotion. I said, this is a good time. We're just going to break it off. I'm staying here. You go to New York. He became a partner, wonderful.

[00:08:11] And did I get married and divorced for a second wife too there? So that made me feel better knowing what's it mean or maybe it was. But anyway, and that ended. Second marriage came along a few years later. It was a person of another culture.

[00:08:25] I don't want to say what culture because I don't want to identify myself. But it was when the internet was starting and the chat rooms were starting. And there was this one in this language that I speak, the chat room.

[00:08:37] And I went in there just to practice my language. And I remember thinking, wow, what is this? That's how I met husband number two. While long story with him, he lived in Europe. Never came here. Came here just for me. And that he overstayed his visa.

[00:08:53] Three months, I think it was. And I was like, what are you going to do? You got to go back. It's a tourist visa. And anyway, he persuaded me to marry him. So he could stay. And that's how that happened. That was stupid.

[00:09:06] And so I did that and he didn't work. That was the problem there. He didn't work. Once again, it's the choice of people. I see a pattern with myself. And I tolerated it until I couldn't anymore. I was heading to bankruptcy.

[00:09:19] He had two kids from a former marriage. And every year, I would pay for plain tickets to go back and forth to see the kids. The kids were very nice. I like to family a lot. I like that better than I like to have my think.

[00:09:32] And long story short, we ended up, let's see how long we're we together. We were five years too. That seems to be my limit there. Five years, I was with him. And finally, I said, I need these papers signed. You're not working. I'm going into bankruptcy.

[00:09:46] He wouldn't sign them. So I got divorced by publication. I got divorced. You say it in the local paper. So-and-so is divorcing. So-and-so and six weeks later, you're divorced. If there's no custody battle, we didn't have kids together. And there wasn't the-we weren't arguing over property or anything.

[00:10:04] So that was number two. So I was hurt from those two things, right? So that's my background. I don't pick men that I think are-and this sounds arrogant, but to me, I don't pick the people that are appropriate to what I think I produce.

[00:10:18] You know, I bring a lot to the table. I think I work. I've always worked. I'm determined. I'm on go-getter. I'm a giver to an extreme. And I think people take advantage of that. I'm one of these givers. And so anyway, so that was that.

[00:10:35] So it happened fast forward now. Okay, so through relationships which I'm not going to go into that, it's another story. But my living situation now is such that I have a roommate. And I live with a roommate. And it used to be a romantic involvement, right?

[00:10:52] But it fell out. And for some reason, it's not that way. I'm not going to go in detail. But I'm still here and we're friends. We get along. We don't argue, but it's basically pangrent. This is why he's here.

[00:11:06] To say that I don't want to have him know about my personal life. It goes without saying, I just-I want to do my own thing now. I've come full circle with relationships that I just can stand on my own.

[00:11:21] And what I was looking for this time and have been looking for, and this sounds kind of bad. But I'll say it. It's a friend who's been a fit to think. That's the arrangement I was looking for. I have everything else. I can do things on my own.

[00:11:33] I travel on my own. I go to Europe. I go South America on my own. I do everything by myself. I have jobs that I do. And I sustain myself. I don't need a man, okay? Except for that. Because I still enjoy that. Is that terrible?

[00:11:47] I often feel the exact same way. That's how I feel. I need that and I can't give it up if I could. My life would be so much simpler. It really would. Okay. The thing is, we shouldn't feel ashamed about that in any way.

[00:12:00] There's just a sound that we should. But there's a double standard. I don't care what people say. And I'm fed up with that. You know, if I feel that way, I'm a tramp. And men have been doing that. What do you think on that?

[00:12:16] I think that's changed a lot. I think for your generation of my generation not so much, but definitely the ones after us. It's very, very different. I feel when I interact with people that are in their 20s and 30s.

[00:12:32] It's changing, but it's almost feel like it's a little too late sometimes for me. But I do think that, you know, traditional societal norms are crumbling along with the patriarchy and religion. So that it's more acceptable now to have all kinds of different types of relationships.

[00:12:51] That's what I'm looking for. I'll be honest. And here's the other thing. I don't lie about that. Okay. Now dating apps, I'm not getting on. I've read so many bad things. I don't want to do it. I can't. My heart and my mind and my whole being.

[00:13:07] It just stays with me. Things stay with me. You know? The divorce that I was involved in as a child. And I tear up. So I don't want to open that up that can of worms.

[00:13:18] So what do I do is I meet people through friends, still in the wild, I guess or whatever you want to call it, not really because it's always through a mutual friend. Okay? So fast forward to what happened the latest ghosting episode.

[00:13:31] This is what I'm letting you know about now. I've been ghosted twice before. Okay? Both cases. The first two, the first one was the one that affected me the most. And back then I still thought the roommate would work out. This is 10 years ago.

[00:13:47] And it didn't work out. By then it was on the rock. So I was kind of doing my own thing. I met this guy and we had incredible sex together. Okay? That was, yeah, that's important. I told him I'm not moving out. I have my own home.

[00:14:01] I love my home. I have my job. He had his own job in career which was a step up from the roommate. He doesn't have that. So I thought I'm doing better but it was a mini step.

[00:14:11] His house, I don't want to move into that little tiny house. Okay? I'm sorry. It was a lot smaller than my house. I have more things. Two big dogs. You know, I have pets in my own. And anyway, I told him right up front.

[00:14:25] I don't want to leave my situation. Okay? Well, I understand everything was great until it wasn't. Okay? So right on this time 10 years ago, exactly. He ghosted me and why? Because I posted pictures of me doing stuff with my friends in the roommate was in the picture.

[00:14:44] And he saw that because he was on Facebook or whatever it was back then. Yeah, Facebook or Twitter, I don't know. And he got mad and ghosted me immediately blocked me every time. Are you dating him for six months? Okay. And I enjoyed him again.

[00:15:01] No, and I've tried to get in touch and ask and nothing. Okay. So that was the one that hurt the most. The one last year was just a mini fling and that one I'm glad he's gone because the thing he was kind of weird in the intimate ways.

[00:15:14] And it's like, ah, ah, ah. I mean, he like, he like pain. I'm not into pain. I'm sorry. Some people may be, I didn't want pain. And he told me that. It was like, ah, ah. So that was number two. That was kind of a good ridden thing.

[00:15:29] And he ghosted me too around my birthday. That was what it was. I told him my birthday is real big. Now last year, I guess around my birthday was a week after my birthdays in September. Had a broken leg. I had a broken leg in September. Okay.

[00:15:44] Ah, doing a getting into the car, helping my roommate out because I do a lot of things. We help each other. And I turned and I was holding a coffee cup in my keys and I heard my bone crack just getting into the car in the garage.

[00:15:57] It was not a glamorous accident. And it cracked. And I had my tibia, I broke. Okay. To show you what the roommates like he left and went on to work. He got a cab and I'm on the ground. That's the kind of person, you know what I mean?

[00:16:11] So that's why we're friends in just friends. I ended up calling an ambulance, not an ambulance, the fire truck because they picked me up and helped me. And the ambulances were expensive for I am, I guess everywhere.

[00:16:23] I knew that ride would be one I didn't want to take. I would ask for someone to take me. So long story short, I was down for the count from September to December in the cast. And just couldn't walk by myself, nobody around to help.

[00:16:36] So that laid my background to what I wanted to do after I got out of the cast. I was stir crazy. January of this year, this is 2023. I decided my new year's resolution, I'm going to do more. I'm going to see my friends. I'm going to travel.

[00:16:51] I'm going to do stuff because this showed me how fragile life is. I mean, I lost weight. I couldn't eat. I couldn't reach things on the top shelf or get stuff out. Nobody helped me. I was depressed, I got depressed not being able to move.

[00:17:06] So I said, I'm not doing that and I did that. And so here's the point of the story. A high school reunion came up. I went to school overseas and I'd never gone to my reunions because one is far away. And two, I'm always working.

[00:17:23] So you can't take time. If when you travel overseas, you don't go for a couple days. You go for three weeks plus my family is there and they all want to see me. So if I go, I want to see them.

[00:17:33] Well this one happened to be here in the States and it was a big reunion. So I said, you know, I'm going to go. And then you know that part of you, if you've ever been to a reunion that says, do I look right?

[00:17:46] Am I ready to go? What are they going to think of me? That started the Senate and I almost canceled. So it's a big deal that I went for me emotionally. I went and damn it, if I didn't look great. I looked really good.

[00:17:58] I'm sorry, this sounds bad but compared to those people, I look pretty damn good. And they looked okay, but you know, I shouldn't have been worried. Let's put it that way. So I'm on this reunion and it was in a great place, sunny weather.

[00:18:13] This is in when was the end of September this year. Okay? I went and had the best time reconnected with old friends and then all of a sudden, this one person shows up that I'd never met, that obviously went to our school at the same time.

[00:18:30] So we were out on a boat trip in a marina and having fun, you know, cruising around. And this guy shows up and he's like, hi, and we were just, oh, yeah, hi, just casual. Nothing really happened.

[00:18:44] That night we all went out to eat and this guy was there. He was late and he showed up and hi, hi, I'm going to call him Montecito because that's where he's from. And okay, so that's in California.

[00:18:58] I didn't know about this place until I met this guy. That's where he lives and where are you from? I'm here. I'm from here. So oh, hi, okay. So we started talking, everybody else was paired up.

[00:19:08] I went by myself and I had another roommate, a girl that was there with me and we shared the little head of good time with her. But she knew these people had gone to every reunion so she was more involved with them.

[00:19:19] And I was kind of on the outside. Well this guy starts showing up and when we went out to the, they all went barhopping these people drink a lot. Okay. So that's all they did all weekend.

[00:19:29] And I'll drink some but I'm not a big drinker and it gets to be old. I'll be honest with you. I'm not even in college. I didn't really get into that. You know, I would go just for the music and whatnot.

[00:19:39] But anyways, so they were going, oh, let's go here. Let's go there. So we were like, okay. So they were out dancing. They loved to dance. That's the other thing. I'm a dancer but not a good dancer. I'll dance.

[00:19:50] I'll dance with a bustle on but I'm really bad. And in my culture dancing is big, so that's not good. But I still dance. So I was out there and we danced together this guy. Okay. He and I were dancing and having fun.

[00:20:03] And he was just looking at me and giving me this attention. It's hard to explain. Looking me in the eye. I haven't seen that in a long time. And coming from the neglect, emotional neglect that I was coming in, I was vulnerable. I'm gonna say it.

[00:20:20] I was vulnerable and it was like, oh my God, this guy's paying attention to me. We're dancing. He's talking. And we talked and I mean, talk like looking at each other. And he held my chair, you know? Like, I'm with you. Like that.

[00:20:33] It was such a good feeling. Okay. So we did that. This was on Sunday. The next day was the day. A lot of people were leaving. And I guess I was leaving that Monday and the afternoon. So I didn't even know this guy. Okay.

[00:20:47] So Monocito, we say goodbye. Nothing happened. I didn't do anything. We didn't even have time because all the people were there, the high schoolers, people from my high schoolery and we were never alone. Which was a good thing. Okay?

[00:21:01] Because it could have gone the other way very easily. I probably would have done more. Let's be honest if we had been alone. Because I felt that attraction to him. Not to him physically. Let me say that. He is not my physical type.

[00:21:14] In fact, I thought he was kind of, ugh. I really did. I mean, it's not the type. But the attention was what attracted me physically to him. The fact that he hung on my every word. All right. So we exchange phone numbers. We'll be in touch whatever.

[00:21:30] Well, here's what happened. Here's what happened. The next I'm back at home, back to the real world. And I work all the time in my career. I mean, I work and I'm disciplined. I work from home now. But I get up. I have a schedule.

[00:21:44] You know how it is if you have your own business. You work. You do, you know, you don't just fuck off, right? Even if you have time to do it. You organize your schedule. And then this guy starts calling and texting me non stop.

[00:22:00] And I mean, every day, this is like two days started or even Monday when I got home. And I was like, ugh, I'm flattered. But I've got to get my work done. I've got deadlines. I've got deadlines. Because, oh, I'm sorry. Let me. What, what's a good time?

[00:22:15] I'm going to be some background about this guy. I'll tell you a couple of things that I wrote down that were red flags right away, I saw him. Okay? When we were back in the place when our reunion was taking place, the way he drove. Okay?

[00:22:31] This, the reason I say this, he has a problem with impulse control. I'll call it that for lack of a better word. He's one of these drivers that he drives real fast.

[00:22:41] I don't know if he was trying to impress me or if that's the way they drive out there. But he would drive all the way up to the car and front of me. Almost to the point where we were going to have an accident. I swear to you.

[00:22:52] And he had me and somebody else in the car. Okay? So I finally looked at him. I said, excuse me, could you please slow down? I mean, I was thinking to have an accident all among my reunion. And he was like, oh, I'm okay.

[00:23:05] This is, I just want to get there real far. And why? Why did you want to get there real fast? They weren't going to leave us at this bar. We're going to another bar and just to talk. And so that was the first thing I noticed.

[00:23:16] Second thing when we get to this place that we were all going to meet at, he, we have to park and they charge money for the parking space. It was a very elite place. So the whole day was like 25 bucks.

[00:23:29] And it was like an hour was, I don't know, 15 or something for the hour. So he gets out and he doesn't know how to put his card in the thing. It's a credit card and he's trying to get it to work. And he did it wrong.

[00:23:41] So it charged him the whole amount. 30 dollars. So I'm going inside because everybody's waiting and he's sitting there messing with the thing. And I'm like, okay, what do you? Oh, it charged me and he got angry. I see the side of him right away. He's angry.

[00:23:58] It charged me $30. I don't want to pay. I was like, I'll split it with you. That's not a problem. No, no, I just stood out there and started arguing with like, I think even the parking person that had the parking lot came over, tried to help.

[00:24:13] I was like, what's going on? So that's a red flag. He has anger issues. That's what I saw. I'm going inside. I said, forget this. All right. So I go inside and talk to all these other friends. We had a ton of people.

[00:24:24] They're easy to get lost in the crowd, right? So those are things I noticed while at the reunion. Well, I start seeing that more here while we're chatting. Well, he's texting me here because we would text all the time he would.

[00:24:36] And he would tell me things like, I want to get to know you more. Your perfect, he started the love bombing. Okay? Love bombing all the way. That's what I was just going to say.

[00:24:46] So it sounds like, oh my God, it came on thick and heavy and you're the perfect woman. Okay, and I wrote down something she said. Okay. So why did I write this down? Because I knew I wanted to process this.

[00:24:59] It seemed weird to me and having been ghosted before, I knew that was, it's a fake what do you call it, fake future or the future where they talk about the future? Yeah, future, baby. That's it. Future faking. He started with that. Oh, you're just perfect. You're beautiful.

[00:25:18] A lot of physical things. You've got the perfect eyes to match your smoke and body. I really, I don't want you to think I'm a nerd but I think you're the perfect woman for me. And all that time, I was thinking, you don't know me.

[00:25:33] You don't know me. Oh, but I want to get to know you more and I had already told him my situation living at home with a roommate. I'm not leading the roommate. I'm not asking.

[00:25:44] He even knew who the roommate was because I showed him pictures back in the reunion. I said, here's who I live with. He's a creative type. He does creative things and that's him. He saw everything and he just didn't even bring that up.

[00:25:57] He was like, he's trying to convince me to leave this guy that I live with and go to him immediately. So that's what he was doing and just, so that was a red flag.

[00:26:11] And then as chatting, you know, he chatted all the, I mean, like I said, two hours, I kid you not. Two, I go to the park and I walk several miles a day. So every day when I go to the park, I like to be quiet.

[00:26:26] I like to either put music on for myself or just interact with nature. He would call at that time three hours. I kid you not the whole time I was there. He would be talking to me about how we need to be together and how he's better for

[00:26:41] me and don't I want to quit working? You work too hard. I can provide for you. He has money. His dad, his dad married, I don't want to say what they do, but the stepdad has money. And he lives off of his money and does nothing.

[00:26:57] He doesn't do anything. He's a, he's a picker for a athletic wear company. You know, the guys that put the items in the cart, that's what he does. And so he has time on his hands and then he plays music at night. That's what he does.

[00:27:12] He's a bass player and he plays and that's his only, it's not even a job. While I'm busting at it home with a schedule. So he couldn't understand why works. You need to stop working so hard trying to change me.

[00:27:25] So you need, don't you want to think about your future or you're going to work that hard and okay. So I want you to come with me. Go ahead. Can I ask you why? Why did you keep talking to him with all these red flags? I don't know.

[00:27:39] I don't know. I like the attention. I think I like, that's all I can think of because do you see I saw it even then? The attention, it was like I had been neglected for, I mean, you have no idea.

[00:27:54] That accident I told you about with my leg on the ground and pre-himped to leave me and go to work. That's what I'm used to. And then always not love bombing can be really overwhelming. It was something he wanted to give me gifts. What's your size?

[00:28:10] I want to buy you lingerie. What size brought you where? What flowers do you like? I want to give you gifts this. And I was like, I don't want anything. If I want that, I'll buy myself my own. I mean, that's how I feel.

[00:28:23] I never let people buy me gifts. You know, I don't need you for gifts. Anyway, why did I keep doing it? Because he said this, here's what he said. He said there's a big trippy at planned to go to my home place, my home country.

[00:28:38] After Christmas and he wanted me to go and it was three weeks on the beach because it's South of the Equator so they're having summer where I'm from. And I thought, you know, that would be so great. I've been putting off going there.

[00:28:52] My families are, I'd love to see them and I could be with him and get to know each other not. And then I thought, but it's overseas. I said, maybe we should start with a shorter trip to get to know each other.

[00:29:05] I said, and he goes, yeah, that makes sense. Why don't you pick a place? So I did. I picked a place close to me. It's about three hours away by car. Okay. So he booked the trip. Here's the other thing. And I'm embarrassed to say this. Okay.

[00:29:20] You know when you know people that know people, you have a false sense of trust. So I had that with him because I knew he knew the people I went to school with. So I thought, he's not going to hurt me in the big scheme of things.

[00:29:33] I gave him my routing number and my checking account number. I could dumbass. And I trusted because he knew friends that I know that he wasn't going to do anything. And it was to send me money for this trip. So he did. He sent me $600.

[00:29:50] Okay, to pay for the plane ticket and even to buy stuff for him, you know, for me to model for him. So we would see how that would go because remember we hadn't been together. So I bought the plane ticket.

[00:30:05] He didn't buy it because I was trying to get miles on my MX card or whatever. So I bought it and he sent me the money. And then later I thought when all this ended I said, why did I do that? That was stupid. Anyway.

[00:30:16] I wanted to go. That week, okay. So by this time we'd only been chatting and talking on the phone for three weeks. It was three weeks. It seems like longer, right? On October I can give you the date. October 20th. I had a big work function.

[00:30:32] It was a Friday. And it's a function they have every year and they award people prizes for production of what they do. And I always get one. And it's a beautiful affair. You go open bar, open food.

[00:30:45] You get to see everybody announce the awards and then talk about the future of the company. So I was going to go. And I told him, I said, I'm going to this. It's Friday. And I told him because he calls for three hours every day.

[00:30:57] I didn't want to be bothered. So okay, sure. Have fun. Okay. So I'm driving down there and I'm in a city with traffic. And he calls while I'm in traffic. And it starts talking. And I'm trying to watch the big semi coming over.

[00:31:12] So I can get there quickly and safely. And he's talking. I have a great time in just talking my ear off like he does. And we're going to have so much fun on our trip. I felt like saying, why can't we talk about that later?

[00:31:23] This isn't the time you know. And anyway, so I kind of cut them off when I got there. I said, well, I see my work people going in and I was excited to see them and I got to go. I mean, can I talk to you later?

[00:31:35] So I was kind of abrupt with him. But it was starting. Okay. Okay. Well, just let me know later. It text me and tell me, you're okay. That you got it safely. I said, okay, sure. So I cut off the phone. And I had fun at my thing.

[00:31:47] And I just ate and I drank a little not a lot and took pictures. And I sent him pictures just so he would see what I was doing and not doubt. So I, you know, just work people. Okay. In group shots. And then I got home about 11.30, 1.12.

[00:32:03] I drove myself home. Took a longer road just because I didn't want to. There were road blocks that night. And I didn't want to get caught up in one of those. So I took a circuitous route back home and then I got home. Quarter to 12. I was tired.

[00:32:17] I had worked all day. Okay. Then I driven there in the traffic which is stressful. And then, you know, it was a long day. So I said, I just want to go home. I'm going to text him. Nice to, had a nice time.

[00:32:30] I'm texting you to let you know that I'm home. I'm safe. I'll talk to you later. And all he sent was a thumbs up. Okay. Or no, what he does is he sends the piece emoji, the finger thing. That's all I got.

[00:32:45] But you know when you've been talking for a long time and chatting forever, you know when there's a sign my inner gut tells me I knew something was wrong because he would never have said that. He also called me names. This is the other red flag.

[00:32:57] He had pet names for me already within three weeks. Baby cakes. Baby, that to me is cringe worthy because I don't let anybody call me baby cakes unless they know me, right? And the sky didn't know me. So anyway, he didn't call me baby cakes.

[00:33:15] He just gave me that piece sign emoji. All right. Fine. I said well, maybe he's tired too. So the next day rolls around at Saturday and my favorite football team was playing the college team. I went to school with and I texted him in the morning.

[00:33:28] I said, happy Saturday. I said, you know, I'm watching my college game. I'll be around sporadically because I didn't want to spend hours on the phone. So I'll be around sporadically. He can text me if you want to but I'll be in and out. Nothing.

[00:33:43] Didn't send a text back nothing. All right. Now I forgot to mention this. And one of those three hour talks in the park when I was trying to work out. He had told me, you know, in talking to me, he wanted to know about me.

[00:33:55] I said, here's one thing. Whatever happens to us in our friendship. I want you to promise me one thing and he goes, what? I said, whatever you do thinking back to my other ghosting experience. Right.

[00:34:06] It took me six months to get over and I had been with that guy. I said, whatever you do, please don't ghost me. This is what happened before. You promise you won't do that. Oh no, I'd never do that to you. I promise I won't.

[00:34:19] But that's not going to happen. We have to rest it. Okay, just please. And I, you know, I kind of paused and traumatic pause. He promised he wouldn't. So this Saturday back to Fast Forward, the college football game. He didn't answer that text.

[00:34:34] So I knew then this is starting. I just knew and sure enough, I sent another text an hour or two later. I said, hope you're having a great day. You know, I'll talk to you later. I'm looking forward to our trip because we had that other trip booked.

[00:34:47] Did you guys make up? Do you have the same type of phones you can see if he was reading your messages? Yes, I do. And he looked red. He would read them. Okay. Yeah, he received and read them. And yeah, he hadn't blocked me yet. Okay.

[00:35:04] So those are two big texts that I saw that day. And I thought, okay, well maybe, you know, because he had said, well, you know, trying to make me jealous is what he was trying to do those last few days.

[00:35:15] You know, because I see that on his social media, he's got a lot of girls that are friends of his, you know, who are all married? That says a lot because they're all married. He's picking these unavailable people.

[00:35:27] So there's something there I think with him, but, you know, regardless of that, he would try to make me jealous. Oh, I call this other person who has your name, but I meant to talk to, she was going

[00:35:37] to the game and I was talking to her like it was you and oh, I'm sorry, trying to make me jealous on the phone. He did that a few times. So he was on my social media and he still is when we got back from the reunion, he

[00:35:51] had hearted all of my pictures, you know, he'd gone through my page and everything I said, heart, that's great babe, wonderful babe and stuff. And I just, like this cringe worthy because when you do that, it makes their photo rise

[00:36:07] to the top of your feed and there he is still to this day. I didn't block him. You know, I need to block him, do I? Because I don't want to show him or give him the pleasure that I'm angry about this.

[00:36:21] Because what happened at any access to you? Really? Yes. Because what happened was, okay, that was day one. That was the 21st of October. Our trip was on the third, the end of the month, yeah, like the 30, right after Halloween, it was the beginning of November.

[00:36:38] We were going to the strip. He had already bought the ticket. I was looking forward to it, like a getaway. But what he would say, and he said this on emails before he had gotten three emails.

[00:36:49] He had sent me saying that he wants to talk about the status of our relationship. I'd already told him what I wanted. There's nothing to talk about. I'm all about talking about the status. What is it? What's the term? Define the relationship. DTR. Define the relationship. Yep.

[00:37:07] I done that already on the phone. AdNazam. I guess he thought he could convince me. And that's why he wanted it. And what do you wrote? I want to read you this and get your opinion about this because here's what he said.

[00:37:20] I wrote it down because I wanted to know how to look into this. Yes, just I'm trying to find it here. Yeah, he says one of the emails he sent. When it, okay, so I'm all about, I was listening to your podcast.

[00:37:40] The one about the lady that says three, three, three. Do you remember that? Yeah. They three people for three months and then what was the last three? It's within three chances to address something that bothers you about them. Yeah, I did. Okay. Three emails came between us.

[00:37:59] The last one was Strike 3. Okay. And he wrote me this. He goes after I talked to MadNazam telling him about what I wanted. He writes. And I told him, you know, I don't want this.

[00:38:14] Obviously on email he goes, hi, I write this in hopes of repairing what I have torn apart and that we can find a way to salvage our friendship. I really cherished our friendship and really care about you as you already know.

[00:38:25] Unfortunately my feelings got ahead of me as I frequently mentioned to you, you embellished what I've always been looking for in my type of woman. He's already telling me he's looking for that when I just want the other, you know, the FWB that's all I wanted.

[00:38:39] You have everything and everything that I've been looking for in a woman. It was mind-boggling when we created when we crossed paths at the reunion. It truly was a dream come true and caught me completely off guard. So what happened to him was since 2020, his mom died. Okay?

[00:38:55] My mom died too. I know what that's like. And he had a girlfriend. This is what I should have paid attention to closer. But he left, again, back to impulse control. He left his place in Monocito came to the East Coast to be with her.

[00:39:12] He moved in with her. I don't know exactly how long it led me to think it was like six months. It wasn't very long, maybe a year that he was with this woman and then they broke

[00:39:23] up and he never gave me details but he talked disparagingly of her. Of her, that ex, and of the previous one which was the woman that he said wanted a American for citizenship. He didn't have positive things to say.

[00:39:37] So going back, did you ever hear from him again after no? 10 days went by. The trip here's I was battling this in my mind. Do I go and see if he's waiting for me at the airport and if he's not, I can get my own

[00:39:50] brick and room and enjoy the town. Because it's already paid for or should I just not go. And this is when I started listening to you, you were the reason and Greta also the coping that one. But more so with yours.

[00:40:07] I got more out, I'll be honest with you, more out of yours because they were real stories of people. And it was a thing about pride. It was like you were the only one that kept me from texting him and saying what the fuck is up.

[00:40:21] You don't want to go on a vacation with someone who's not going to talk to you for 10 days. Right? Mandy, I don't think you even like this guy. I know. What was I think? I wanted to get away and it was the attention and a free trip, right?

[00:40:36] I think I got that. But I mean he's shown you who he is. And I can't hear a single positive thing about this guy that you've said in your story. I think you need to just block him and get, you know, move on from it.

[00:40:52] He didn't see this then. I thought, you know what? I thought I could. I thought I could stop working as hard. You know, that was so tempting. The guy has money. Yeah. I mean is that terrible?

[00:41:04] Yeah, but you don't even really, you know, for him to say all this stuff to you, like you said he doesn't know you. He doesn't know you in three weeks. So how much of what you had was even genuine without even knowing each other.

[00:41:19] And then for him to treat you that way, not going to vacation that you already bought tickets to ignore you, not even giving you a reason. Now you even have the guts to end it with you. What do you think he was doing? Was he playing a game?

[00:41:30] I mean, he sounds like a classic narcissist of the love bombing and then the punishment by withdrawing in silence. That's what they do. Narcissus, yeah. I just, you know, I don't understand because even his money. Okay, so I texted him. Here's what I did.

[00:41:53] I knew after three, somewhere in the podcast I'd listen to said after three it's definitely ghosting. I wasn't even sure if it was that at first. Well, I didn't even touch every single day.

[00:42:04] I would say even a day with him going by without being in touch with you. There are a lot of resources out there to learn about narcissists. There's a lot of podcasts, there's a lot of books, there's a lot of content creators.

[00:42:17] I think it would be worthwhile for you to spend some time learning more about this because that's what it sounds like to me. Narcissus, and I have listened to some and somebody on your podcast was talking about that actually that it's usually followed with the bombing, love bombing.

[00:42:34] It goes hand in hand, the two. And I do think that's what it was. I thought there's so many signs but then maybe it's really rare. Maybe that's not it. I don't know, but it sounded that way.

[00:42:47] I mean, either way has treatment of you as completely unacceptable and you deserve way better than that. You don't need to be with a man who's going to disappear, leave you on red, natural for vacation. I mean, that's just despicable behavior.

[00:43:01] And thinking about that, I had planned, I'd taken off work. I mean, I was going to go, I was going to go, if nothing else, he said he got two rooms you know, that we didn't have to, you know, he got that and I thought well, if nothing,

[00:43:13] but then I thought, you know, it's going to be miserable. He's going to bring this up where I've already discussed what I want. There's nothing. It's not like I didn't tell him. And that's the thing that hurts the most is that we want to control you.

[00:43:26] Yeah, that's what you want on this. No. Control me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and you didn't want to do what he wanted you. He decided it wasn't worth his time anymore. I mean, I was honest and he even said, I'm going to have you whatever way I can.

[00:43:45] I've decided that was one of the things he sent me. So I thought, okay, he's good with what I'm saying because I don't like lying. I never lie. I tell people, front here's what I've got. This is what I want. I mean, right?

[00:43:57] Isn't that what we're told to do? And then this happens. They don't like it. Yeah, and Jillian Turek, he am not sure if you're from both her content, but she would be a great she's a podcast now and she doesn't has a lot of great content.

[00:44:10] But, you know, if someone isn't going to give you what you want, you have to have that self worth to walk away from that. Another thing that was a red flag like I like you said, there's a lot of red flags. The jealous in control he was jealous.

[00:44:26] I have a good friend that I talked to that we used to date to anyway. We have a long history and he's he's my best friend. He's the person I would say would read my, you legit.

[00:44:37] My if I die, you know, he's the one that knows me the best and we were compatible on so many levels. This is a long time ago after my second divorce, but before I started

[00:44:50] doing my own thing, we didn't work out because he was comes from a long line of Dennis. Okay, his dad's a Dennis, his father's a done anyway. And he never went into that just not to do the family practice, but he became a close friend

[00:45:03] of mine and then in that time, he would change careers every day. That was the thing I didn't like about him. One day it was I'm going to be an ag pilot and the next day it was like, I'm going to be a movie producer.

[00:45:13] He would research and it was like, I don't need this instability. I know what I'm doing and I need somebody who's back when I was younger, right? I wanted somebody more like me more stable. So I said, you know, let's not do this. We can be friends.

[00:45:26] So we left the relationship and now we're good friends. Now I mean, we were separated for a long time. It was not a happy breakup because he didn't want to, you know, leave, but it always happens that way. They don't leave with me anyway. It's always bad.

[00:45:42] It's a long story short. We're best friends and I was telling Montecito when we were talking and I was texting him. I said, yeah, here's what's going on with my friend, this friend I'm telling about.

[00:45:53] And I told him he's having issues with this and his business and it's not working out and he's have, and he got mad with me that I brought him up. He got mad. He said, how did he put it?

[00:46:06] He said, I know he goes, I wanted to talk about what we were originally talking about which was a sexy conversation about our upcoming trip, but you bring up your friend and it ruined the great vibe that we have established.

[00:46:19] That's what raised a red flag in my mind. I understand that your friends with him, but I'm not a close friend of his. I just know he used to be your lover. I don't know of any guy who wouldn't be a little jealous with those circumstances.

[00:46:31] This guy is a bit of all. I mean, who would say that about a friend? Yeah. Obviously has massive insecurity as well. It's insecurity, right? Because the only thing I can think of why he did this because you know you pondered to you can't anymore.

[00:46:50] I fall in a sleep to your podcast. I've listened to all of them at night and you know why? Because at least I'm getting positive messages in my ear. And I'll fall asleep with the ear buds on listening to your podcast because otherwise

[00:47:04] invasive thoughts get in my head about why he did it. What does it mean? It just, I don't want to think about it, but I'm still in that stage. And this is why you need to block him. And again, I'm not a therapist.

[00:47:15] I'm not an expert in any of this. I just want to say that. I just have been doing this podcast for three years. I've talked to a lot of people. I've done a lot of my own self education, my own growth.

[00:47:24] And you need to give your piece of mind back to yourself. I bet you know, you're constantly wondering, is he going to reach out? Am I going to hear from him? Is he going to apologize? Is he going to come back?

[00:47:33] And you don't want him to do that. There is nothing he can say or do to make up for the way he is trying to do. And my opinion, I think you just need to just cut off all possibilities ever hearing from

[00:47:44] him against that you can move on from this. And it's not going to show, I was afraid of what it's going to show that I'm angry or so. I don't want him to, I don't want to hear those things. Who cares what he thinks?

[00:47:55] Well, that may go away. The pick-up. The pick-up. Yeah. The pick-up goes away because that would be good right there, just for that. But here's the other reason I didn't block him, okay? We have the same friends. It's almost like a contest now.

[00:48:13] Well, then he should be embarrassed by his behavior. I mean, no one is going to say that what he did is right. He's the one who's at risk here in my opinion. Again, I don't know if you heard the podcast about the woman. Very similar situation.

[00:48:26] She met her boyfriend through a friend group. And then she couldn't believe it when he goes to her because they have all these friends and common. But again, you know, these people who do this, they're the ones who end up looking bad.

[00:48:39] Sure, I worry about the reunion next year. It's like, now I can't go because he'll be there. You know what I mean? I was going to make it an annual thing. And now it's like, I don't want to see him again. Yeah. That's a tough one.

[00:48:51] And he's going to be there. Guarantee. He's trying to outshine me on social media. Here's what he's doing. He on stories. I've seen you can see views on stories. He'll view stories, but you know which ones he'll view? Not every story.

[00:49:04] He'll view the ones that look like I'm out having fun. Yeah. You want to block him. You need to just get him out of your life. He does not deserve any access to you. Okay. Well, that convinced me today. I was going to ask you about that.

[00:49:19] You're the pro. And then worry about the reunion later. And maybe I won't go. I don't want to see him ever again. I feel like a piece of trash. Yeah. And he no one should ever make you feel that way.

[00:49:32] And even ghosting me for a few days and coming back is still unacceptable. So immature, it's so cowardly, so selfish. It's not somebody you want in your life. I've offered to return the money. Here's what I said. Here's the text I sent.

[00:49:47] I want you to tell me what you think of this. The last thing I said to him, and it was after 11 days of ghosting, I waited up until right before the trip.

[00:49:54] And I was kind because I wanted him to get his money back for the hotel and whatnot, right? So I waited two days before so he had plenty of time to get the hotel back. And I said, I haven't heard from you in 10 days.

[00:50:06] I assume our trip is off and I have canceled my flight. The last text messages I sent you were on October 21st with no response. Let me know how you prefer that I return your money. Thanks for the invitation. That's how I sent it. He did not respond.

[00:50:22] He did not tell me about how to return his money. I don't know where he lives. I don't want his money. I would return it today. I don't want anything of his. You know what I mean? And here's what happened.

[00:50:34] He ended up going to the trip and posting pictures of himself there. On all the things we talked about, we would do. He's on the cruise that we were going to take. It was a little river cruise. He's got his pictures there. And he's on the bars.

[00:50:49] He's got picked. He went to the trip. He went. You don't want to give them the satisfaction even knowing that you know that. So welcome. Okay, that's the first step. That's my meal. I got to get rid of this. I just, today helps me. You're helping me now.

[00:51:06] It's like you're a therapist for me. Well, I mean, this is just my personal experience. But once you can end that contact block him, and ensure that you will never have to hear or speak to him again, it just takes time.

[00:51:21] It just takes time of not having those thoughts of not being around that person and not having that possibility of that person. And you know, hopefully in time you can look back and just feel, you know, disgust about him.

[00:51:37] From the podcast I'm most recently did about the guy who had ghosted me in Colorado. I am after weeks of not hearing from him. I actually reached out to him last week. And I texted him and I said, you shouldn't have ghosted me.

[00:51:54] That was a very fucked up thing to do with shame on you. And his response was just so disgusting. It just made me feel just like I'm glad I did because if you wouldn't say, well, he was a good person. He would have a poll.

[00:52:09] He would have acknowledged that I was right. He wrote back and he said, who is this? Oh my God. I'm pretty sure it's because he deleted my number because he deleted everything that we were using to communicate. But again, it's like how awful are you?

[00:52:24] You can see my area curve. How many women have you ghosted? No, he wasn't even dating anyone recently. And so I replied back and said, I won't repeat exactly what I said. But it wasn't very nice. And after that, he blocked me on everything.

[00:52:39] I wasn't blocked before that. But it just showed me that if he's the kind of person who can't even acknowledge that and come back and say, you're right, I shouldn't have handled that well. I should have let you know. I'm sorry, didn't work out.

[00:52:53] If he would have said something like that, though to show me that, yeah, he fucked up. But he's actually not a bad person. This shows me he's just a really, really bad person, really immature. Canon is almost a camp faced consequences of a nozat his own action.

[00:53:06] And that was like, for me, it's not like I ever wanted to be with him. Anyway, he's after what he did. But for me, it was just like this visceral like disgust that I felt with the way he's going to go back. Yeah.

[00:53:17] I just, like I said, I was going to block him and I thought, I don't want to give him the pleasure of having him think that I'm angry because I always was the one that said, don't ghost me, don't you know? But he didn't anyway.

[00:53:29] So again, tells you what kind of person he has. Crap. He's a piece of crap. That's why he's still alone. And here's the other thing I think which was very insightful that you said,

[00:53:39] on one of your episodes, and I don't remember which guest said, you have so many guests that have sparkling pieces of knowledge that I retain. And this was what you said or this guy said that guys for some reason, it might have

[00:53:52] been that, uh, Blano, what's his name, Nick Blano, I like him a lot. And he's so young to have such knowledge. But he said something about guys basically, it's about what time of their life they're

[00:54:02] in, what stage of life they're in, who they want to commit to, not who it is, not the person to sell. So in other words, this guy is just ready to come out of his funk after, you know, having

[00:54:13] that bad relationship with that girl and me giving him the self-esteem of giving him some attention. Now he's ready and he's ready to look to whoever's around to commit. Yeah, they call that the taxi cab or the taxi light theory I've heard it discuss in a lot

[00:54:27] of places. I think it comes from sex in the city which I've never seen that show but I've heard people talk about it so much. I guess there's an episode where they compare them into having the light on and the taxi that they're ready.

[00:54:39] So yeah, I've heard that a lot and a lot of podcasts. I don't know if it's true or not. It seems to be from when I hear from a lot of different sources but yeah, I don't know.

[00:54:48] The way men think sometimes is just such a mystery to me. Thank you, Rosemary. Thank you. I'm going to do that. I'm going to block him. You've helped me give me the strength to do that. Thank you for everything. You've helped me out of this.

[00:55:02] I can't tell you enough. Andy, I am so glad he reached out and you came on this episode and I'm really glad to hear that the podcast is having such an impact on you and that it helped you. That is why I started the podcast.

[00:55:14] So thank you so much for sharing that with me as well. Thank you. Keep doing what you're doing. You really are reaching a lot of people. You don't hear it enough, I think. So.

[00:55:25] And listeners, if you have a ghost story to share, if you have feedback or comments you'd like to leave on this episode, you can send me an email at the Ghost Podcast Stories at gmail.com. You can find me online at the goespodcast.com.

[00:55:36] You can also find me on Instagram at the Ghost Podcast Stories and on TikTok at the Ghost Podcasts as always, thank you for listening.